In the olden days, ships would have one sailor climb the highest mast and watch for other vessels, land, or single mermaids with low standards. Modern military ships do it all by RADAR, SONAR, LIDAR, or possibly even THUNDARR. Well, there's CAMERAR, BINOCULAR, and JUSTLOOKOVERTHAR Brianna explains: 'I got assigned to what's called the 'SNOOPIE' team [Ships Nautical or Otherwise Photographic Interpretation and Examination team, aka the longest and most unneeded name ever].

Our job is whenever they say 'away the SNOOPIE team away,' we drop everything and run up to the tallest part of the carrier (vultures' row) with tons of video cameras, binoculars, and cameras, and take information on whatever they called it for. Once you've taken all the necessary pictures, you run back down to a computer and write a report about it and email it to the Office of Naval Intelligence, where, if it's important enough, it will be sent to the president, although that rarely happens.' When facing down a war machine the size of a shopping mall, the last thing you think about is how much poop it puts out. You should probably continue doing that, if you ever want to have the courage to swim in the ocean again, that is. 'We empty the toilets into the ocean. With 6,000 people, those tanks would get full quickly. And in fact, in ports where we didn't have a sewer outlet, they'd often get pretty damn full in just a few days, so once we were out on the ocean again, out into the water it went.'

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The ship has six different poop decks. But it's more than poop.

'I once saw some fellow yeomen throw a copier overboard because it was broken and he thought it would be fun to dump it somewhere in the Atlantic,' Nick told us. Aircraft carriers are built with functionality foremost in mind, which means absolutely no thought was given to the crew's comfort.

'Enlisted sleep in huge bunk rooms called berthings. I was in a smaller one with 30ish men for most of my time on the ship,' Nick explains, omitting that an average bunk is maybe the size of a coffin. There's room for only the smallest of teddy bears. Which is appropriate, considering that, at the very least, those accommodations should mean the death of your sex life. Font ultimate black metal. But logic and sex haven't been on speaking terms for a while. 'People have sex all over the ship,' according to Nick. 'The most common places they do it are supply closets, maintenance spaces, ventilation junctions, and really, any dark, relatively inaccessible space on the ship.

They weren't ever clean, and I highly doubt they were ever comfortable. Even still, they got caught often enough, making me think that there were a lot more who never got caught.' In love with the sea?

As counterintuitive as it may seem, you shouldn't sign up for duty on an aircraft carrier then. You might never so much as see the water. 'Some think that because they float above the water, it means most sailors see the ocean often. In reality, most sailors never have a reason to go topside, or are otherwise too busy to do so. Many have made the comparison that life on a carrier is a lot like life on a submarine.' Without even the excitement of the nightly giant squid battles.